The road to hell 

…is paved with good intentions. Is a saying I never really understood but it seems apt at this juncture. This was supposed to be a blog for my writing, but it’s turned into yet another whiny personal blog. As though we didn’t already have enough of those. 

I just finished writing exams for this ill conceived master degree I decided to do last year. And I have to tell you,sports fans, I am not feeling good about them.  To be fair, I think I did well on the stats yesterday. But I’ve been wrong about this kind of thing before. Today’s Practical epidemiology was a nightmare of epic proportions. I totally fucked up at least three questions and it was purely because I had no fucking idea what they were even asking. 

This is because I somehow let six months go by without picking up a book and then crammed two entire shyly uses into 6 weeks. I’m a fucking idiot. If I fail it will be just desserts. I don’t deserve to pass. I didn’t do the work. I mean I did a lot of work in the last six weeks, but I should have been a good student all year and been much more familiar with the material . But I didn’t. 

I did what I always do. Which is to wait until it’s almost too late and then cram and then obviously I can blame the inevitable bad marks on that and not face the fact that perhaps I’m just not cut out for this path I’ve chosen for myself .

This is all very dramatic and when I get my results in a couple of months and they’re fine I’m going to forget feeling of abject failure on this beautiful summer afternoon in Shanghai.

But for now, I’m exhausted. I need a break. I should go back to Suzhou. 

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