Sitting on the dock of the bay…

So I’m at work. For what reason, I don’t know. I don’t have anything to do today, so I’m basically here waiting for someone to tell me what to do for next semester. I suppose I could start planning lessons and that, but what if they decide to change the syllabus and I’ve spent all that time working for nothing? I looked at the overview for the semester and it all looks quite interesting. I’m not super worried about it. But here I am, at work with nothing to do.

I’ve been reading American Gods. I want to read it before I watch the show. I don’t want to go in and then read the book. I prefer it the other way around. The main character is a man who spent three years in prison and was about to go back to his life with his wife whom he loves very much, when she died in a car crash and he got sucked into some supernatural drama featuring Odin and some other old gods.

The whole book is very surreal so far and a lot of strange things have happened, but the parts that are actually the most moving and difficult for me to read are the parts featuring his dead wife, who shows up every now and then to save him from danger. Before she died she had cheated on him with his friend and then the two of them had died in the accident together. And I get the impression I’m supposed to feel sorry for him because the love of his life has died and his life is in chaos.

But honestly, the only thing I feel is jealous. I miss that feeling. That safe loved feeling of being with someone and being absolutely sure that they love you and you love them and you’re just together. And that’s just the truth. It must be nice to have someone who’s just there for you and just loves you no matter what. I don’t think I’ll ever have that feeling again. All my exes have moved on and gotten married and had children, or at the very least gotten into serious relationships.

And here I am. Alone and in Suzhou. And honestly, when I think about it, I probably prefer it this way. I don’t think I do well in relationships. But it still kind of hurts you know? Why doesn’t anyone love me? Why doesn’t anyone want me? Someone once said that the un-examined life isn’t worth living, but I would argue that the unwitnessed life is even less worth living. With no one there to just pay attention to things you do and encourage you and wish you luck and listen to you bitch about a bad day at work, what’s the point?

This is the total antithesis of everything I really believe, but I’m feeling lonely. Also this went in a totally different direction from where I started out meaning to go. But maybe I can write that blog tomorrow.

Goodbye for now, sportsfans!

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